Introduction and C.S. 1
Letters of eclectic commentary featuring the wit and wisdom of a garrulous geezer and {Dana}, a persistent hallucination and charming literary device.
"If the immortality dreamers of Silicon Valley are successful, they may discover that what still seems interesting about life at 80 is a lot less interesting at 200." -Holman W. Jenkins, Jr.
Dear Gentlereaders,
This is not my first attempt to create cheat sheets; I started down this road once before. What was attempted was a series of cheat sheets intended to leave a bit of advice behind for the Stickies, my now-grown grandkids (legally speaking anyway), and their kids if they should decide to reproduce, that my gentlereaders might also find interesting/useful.
Me being me — garrulous 1 :given to prosy, rambling, or tedious loquacity (Merriam-Webster — I lost control of the narrative and gave up in short order.
{Don't be too hard on yourself, as your millions of gentlereaders are aware, your columns do "feature the wit and wisdom of a garrulous geezer."}
Thanks for the commercial, Dana, but due to my impending death, I've decided...
{Your impending death! If you're about to die, that means that I'm about to die! Why am I only now hearing about this?}
Sorry, I'm not about to drop dead, not as far as I know anyway. But when I do dance the mortal coil shuffle, nobody's gonna say (unfortunately), "But he was so young!" which implies I should do this thing ASAP if I really want to get it done. Besides, given that any given H. sapien may drop dead at any age...
{You're a dick, you know that, right?}
Hey! This is a more or less family-friendly column! You know that, right?
{Fine, you're a penis, you know that, right?}
Anyways... I've decided to try again, without creating a virtual verbal prairie dog community for my dear gentlereaders to try and find their way out of.
{Say what?}
Prairie dogs build entire underground cities that make mere rabbit holes look pathetic by comparison.
{Yup, you're a penis alright.}
FYI, if you find my plan to produce a series of cheat sheets alarming/annoying/boring, fear not, I don't plan to publish them consecutively. They will instead be published now and then till I run out of subjects I wish to comment on.
{Or till he drops dead at his keyboard, whichever comes first.}
C.S. 1. Bookends. Memento mori is Latin for remember, you must die.
My personal version is something like, Hey, given that I'm going to die and that it could be today, how do I choose to live in the meantime? There are documented instances of people employing this concept for roughly 2,500 years, although I'm sure it's even older than that.
As it happens, there are all sorts of H. sapiens working on and/or hoping to become immortal via various and sundry methodologies from digital to electromechanical to spiritual to electrical to etcetrical. My personal favorite is intensive caloric restriction: starving yourself to death to live forever.
Iregardless, at least for now, as I believe Shakespeare said, life is but an old cell phone battery. If you're young, younger than me anyway, before you know it, you're going to be old like me. Old or young, you need to keep this in mind: Emotionally speaking, you may still feel like you have all the time in the world, even if rationally speaking, you know you don't.
Traditionally, people have used various and sundry methods to remind them that the light at the end of the tunnel might be a train coming the other way. Monks might keep a human skull in their cells, but merely contemplating death while sitting in silence in a graveyard was sufficient for others.
I would advise against keeping a human skull in your room for any number of what are hopefully obvious reasons. There are faux versions available on Amazon available in various sizes and made from various materials. I was skimming product descriptions when I found this: "The skull model, made in non-toxic PVC material, tasteless, easy to clean. Able to be washed and the material will last for years."
{Do the descriptions say where they're manufactured? Because if it's Emperor Poo Win Nie's China...}
Being old, I personally know a lot of dead people, famous Boomers seem to be dropping like flies, and I have a personal health problem or three. I don't have to go out of my way to be reminded I'm mortal.
{Alright, I get it, Captain Obvious. Odds are, we're going to die, so we should live accordingly.}
Bonus questions for extra credit: If you could choose some version of immortality, would/should you? Can you explain the following paradox? The older you get the less likely it is you will want to live forever.
{I thought we weren't going to visit Prairie Dog City? You said bookends, plural?}
The other bookend is another concept that's also been around effectively forever. Picture yourself on your deathbed with the wherewithal to review the life you just led. What will you regret? What would you have done differently if you knew then what you know now? Should you have eaten more or fewer doughnuts?
"Odds are, we're going to die, so we should live accordingly."
{You're quoting yourself again, this time in the same column?}
Well...life is short, and technically speaking, I quoted you.
Clearly, asking yourself these sorts of questions now would be a good idea, and not just because you hopefully can do something about the answers if you don't like them.
If you do this honestly/realistically you'll discover that there's no shortage of things that you can't, or at best, only partially change. This will provide clarity and direction. Put that list in a drawer, lock it, stop fretting about it, and get on with your life. Take it out on your birthday to see if it needs updating.
{Does this mean you've come to grips with the fact you're never going to be an obscenely rich, exceedingly handsome rock star whose reclusive nature makes you that much hotter as far as the chicks are concerned?}
Well, my dear gentlereaders, thanks for reading this missive. To sum up, try to keep in mind that any given day is a day you could be killed by a Pyro Drone run amok. You need to choose how you wish to live your life lest you regain consciousness one day wondering why your hospital room smells like the aftermath of a fireworks display and everyone is looking at you like that.
Doctor: "I'm afraid I have some bad news, sir/ma'am/other."
You: "I woulda..., I coulda..., I shoulda..."
{Whoa, hold up there, Sparky. How are people supposed to go about deciding how to live their lives?}
Sorry, I thought that was obvious. Take your pick: goals, no goals, or nihilism. If you choose goals, never forget that life is what happens to you while you're making other plans, and make like a recovering addict and pray/hope for the serenity to accept what can't be changed, the courage to change what you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Easy peasy.
{Could you, um, expand on that just a bit?}
I personally recommend having a major long-term goal or two in mind, as well as short-term goals that will help you get there, and serve to provide structure along the way.
Don't just do so to please your Mum or Sister Mary McGillicuddy. Wikipedia says, "The anticipation of most types of rewards increases the level of dopamine in the brain...". The journey is as important as the destination... and provides a dopamine buzz as you go.
This is why you feel so much better when you have goals than when you don't. It also keeps you from embracing nihilism (put down that axe, Eugene) or getting hooked on substances that flood your brain with dopamine that ultimately stop working: "...many addictive drugs increase dopamine release or block its reuptake...".
There are reasons why so many seemingly boring and uncool people are happier and more well-adjusted than the estimated 59,300,000 Americans who suffer from mental illness.
{59.3 million? Well, that explains all sorts of stuff, but I think it might be an underestimate.}
Colonel Cranky
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