Scruff

Image by Aldo Martino from Pixabay

Letters of eclectic commentary featuring the wit and wisdom of a garrulous geezer and {Dana}, a persistent hallucination and charming literary device.

  

                ABOUT                                              GLOSSARY 

Dear Gentlereaders,

Some men look good with scruff; most do not in my semi-humble opinion. Many men look good with a mustache, goatee, beard, etc., but many men do not. 

{Scruff?}

Scruff, a.k.a. designer stubble, is a name for/reason why so many men nowadays look like the late, not so great, Yasser Arafat.  

{Who?}

Hoo-Boy, talk about complicated... I suggest following the link if you don't know, or perhaps even if you do. Quite the character. Terrorist, on-again off-again peace maker, and an alleged billionaire who lived modestly, but who took very good care of his many friends and his family. 

Anyway, the only reason I mention him is...

{A rich terrorist? Did he live in Qatar? Wait, if he was so rich, where did all the money go? He's been dead for what, twenty years?} 

There's a section in his Wikipedia article, linked to above, about all that money: "...in 2003, a team of American accountants—hired by Arafat's own finance ministry—began examining Arafat's finances. In its conclusions, the team claimed that part of the Palestinian leader's wealth was in a secret portfolio worth close to $1 billion...".

Consult your favorite AI if you'd like more details. Just asking plain vanilla Google won't tell you much for some mysterious reason. Irregardless, I feel like Mr. Arafat buried it in multiple rabbit holes.

{You feel like?}

Sorry, I've been watching too many YouTube videos. The phrase I feel like is often substituted for the phrase, I think that nowadays. I feel that it's like, mildly concerning, like the way the word like is often used nowadays. 

The only reason I mention Mr. Arafat is that he was a pioneer of scruff. I distinctly remember wondering, "back in the day," why doesn't he shave off that half-assed beard? I was curious about this because I discovered early on that I also am only capable of growing a half-assed beard, and/or a pathetic mustache. 

Having no chest hair to speak of, I've drawn the obvious conclusion that I'm likely slightly more evolved than the average human male, given that I also didn't come with wisdom teeth installed.

{Uh-huh. Perhaps you're actually less evolved? What about your...}

I also distinctly remember doing a bit of research at the time and reading somewhere that he had a skin condition of some sort that made it painful for him to shave. Since I've always hated to shave, I briefly considered giving it up and claiming that I had a skin condition. 

I changed my mind because I thought it made me look scruffy. Apparently, I was a man ahead of my time, but I didn't know it.

Being a man of a certain age... Actually, I should say being a person of a certain age, given that I know for a fact that all geezers and geezerettes worry about the state of their "little grey cells," that is to say their brains, I went a-googlin' to verify my memories concerning the Arafat Scruff.

I briefly panicked because I could find no verification of my memory, as opposed to several stories claiming it was all about carefully cultivating his image as a full time revolutionary who had more important things to do than shave, and/or didn't have time to waste on shaving, and/or shaving was often not possible when he was out and about in the sands of the Middle East leading the charge.    

However, much to my relief:

"For all his unprepossessing appearance, his ill-fitting military clothes and unshaven face (a skin condition made it painful for him to shave), Arafat had a certain feline charm." I found this in an undated article by a UN functionary in a publication called UN News. 

{Who cares?}

It's a geezer/geezerette thing, you wouldn't understand. Misremembering is scary, given all the news stories about famous folks suffering from cognitive decline. Besides, it simultaneously points out that rich, hypocritical terrorists aren't a new phenomenon. Win/win. Did you know Arafat used to fly around in a private jet? He...

{Isn't the title of this column, Scruff?}

Well, yeah, but I'd sure like to know what "a certain feline charm" is.

The first time I remember noting that scruff can be attractive was in the mid-1970s when I worked with a guy who looked like a carefully coiffed movie star when he was sporting scruff, but it wasn't a conscious choice on his part. It was because he worked full-time while attending school nearly full-time and was tired all the time.

Unable, as mentioned, to grow either a decent-looking beard or mustache, when I tried scruffing, I didn't care for the results; my girlfriend at the time strongly agreed, and that, until recently, was that. 

 

Although I'm a sartorially challenged straight white toxic male, even I noticed in the decades since that scruff has become quite popular, but I didn't realize just how much effort some men put into it. I thought it was just some dudes attempting to look more rugged and/or just wanting to be "in style." I had thought about looking into the phenomenon, but never did until recently. 

Aside: I'm so old that I haven't cared about being stylish in decades; I just strive to not look goofy or alarming. Getting old has its compensations.

{Goofy is as goofy does?}

I'm ashamed to admit, as my millions of gentlereaders are aware, that although I am a world-class current events maven, I missed the boat, and in more ways than one.

I didn't know that scruff referred to anything besides the scruff of a neck till I heard a character on a TV show saying to another character, "Nice scruff!" Ah hah! There's a name for that (usually ugly) thing I've often seen growing on men's faces lately, particularly on television characters or movie stars.

{Sniff. I rarely watch TV shows myself.}

Me either... wait, does streaming count? 

Mistakeingly believing I had stumbled on the official name of the phenomenon that all the cool kids were using, I entered scruff into my Googleometer. The first hit returned, and the next several hits as well, referred to SCRUFF, an app. Google Play: "SCRUFF is the top-rated and most reliable app for gay, bi, trans, and queer people to connect with each other."

Having a keen eye for the obvious, I quickly realized something was amiss. 

{You learn something every day if you pay attention.}

By scrolling down and clicking around, I eventually discovered the term designer stubble. Enter those two words into your search engine or AI of choice, and all will be revealed. I liken it to the moment in the movie version of The Wizard of Oz when the cinematography switches from black and white to color.  

Scruff, designer stubble, call it what you will, is a RBFD, practically an industry. There's even a brief Wikipedia article titled Designer Stubble. 

I found literally hundreds of articles about the proper way to cultivate and maintain the perfect scruff/designer stubble so as to look more manly and rugged, including reviews of electric razors specifically designed for that purpose.

Men now have to read articles that sound like the male version of the sort of things women's magazines, displayed at supermarket checkout stands are famous for to figure out how to look like they're men? 

Here's a tagline from a GQ (originally called Gentleman's Quarterly) article that turned up in a link to an article that I (unfortunately?) couldn't read, as apparently GQ lives behind a paywall these days.

"Here's our guide to getting that perfect day-three scruff."

The September issue features an article titled, How to Take a Really Good Bath.

{That's it? What's the witty takeaway? Many people prefer...}

That's it. The takeaway is obvious.

No wait! I just thought of one. The feminization of the American nation continues apace. 

Have an OK day, 

Colonel Cranky

Scroll down to comment, share my work, or scroll through previous columns. I post links to my columns on my Facebook page so you can love me, hate me, or call for my execution via social media. Cranky don't Tweet (Xclaim?).

Copyright 2025-Mark Mehlmauer-All rights reserved

 

I've Failed Again

 

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Letters of eclectic commentary featuring the wit and wisdom of a garrulous geezer and {Dana}, a persistent hallucination and charming literary device.

  

                     ABOUT                                              GLOSSARY 

"Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans." -Alan Saunders

Dear Gentlereader,

Once upon a time, a garrulous geezer set out to write a series of "cheat sheets" for his grandkids (the Stickies), and anyone else who might be interested. The idea was to pass along an old dude's helpful hints on how to go about living a life on planet Earth for three score and ten or twenty. 

According to Merriam-Webster, garrulous means given to prosy, rambling, or tedious loquacity, as well as pointlessly or annoyingly talkative. While I could easily make a case that the use of the word loquacity in this definition is an oxymoron, given that...

{Stop!}

Thanks, Dana. Relatively recently, I tried again, and managed to complete Cheat Sheet 1. I've worked on part two for several weeks now, and despite numerous rewrites, I can't seem to climb out of the literary ditch I fell into, and it's become clear to me that a good Samaritan isn't coming.

It's time to execute plan B. 

That is to say, to stop throwing good money after bad, and move on for the sake of my mental health. If you're a fellow geezer/gezzerette, you're likely aware that Medicare is highly concerned that we may be subject to the "mental health crisis" that many people think a lot of our fellow Americans are having. 

While I stand behind the thoughts and notions expressed in C.S.1, which are rather broad and general in nature, I got carried away with specific thoughts and notions when trying to continue the series. It's finally dawned on me that my biweekly column is where I should explore specifics; in fact, it's what I've actually been doing for several years now anyway. 

Suffice it to say, my cheat sheets concept is officially cancelled with the approval of the corporate office.

{Biweekly? I thought you only published every other week, not twice a week. Did I miss a memo?}

Nope, it's still every other week. The English Language Police Department's guidelines state that the word for twice a week is semiweekly, although they admit semiweekly and biweekly are commonly used interchangeably, and that you need to spell out exactly what you mean when you use either word. 

{As your daughter and her friends used to say, what-ever! Can we move on, please?}

In her defense, she and her friends were teenagers at the time, as for you...

{Why don't you kiss my...}

You don't have one, and hey, this is a more or less family-friendly column, don't make me rat you out to the blue-haired ladies in the HR department. 

{Are you talking about ladies of a certain age or blue streaked lefty ladies?} 

Deck cleared, here's some unsolicited advice, boys and girls. Even if you've unfortunately been born into a wealthy family, which luckily is not a problem for either my daughter or my grandkids...

{Wait-wait-wait, unfortunately born into a wealthy family?}

Yup. That's as bad as achieving fame and/or fortune prior to reaching the age of 25 or so, by which time the average H. sapien has (more or less) achieved physical and mental maturity according to science. 

Personally, I think 30 is a more realistic number. When I was a callow yute, the saying, "Don't trust anyone over 30," officially credited to one Jack Weinberg (now 85), was in vogue. Nowadays, I think the opposite is true; I view anyone under the age of 30 with distrust. Full disclosure, I'm a geezer who tends to look askance at everyone under the age of 50.

H. sapiens, like diamonds and gold, require processing/polishing before achieving maximum brilliance. 

If you're cursed by being born into wealth, unless you're blessed with parents with the inclination and time to go to the trouble of getting across to you that this ain't normal, that life for most people involves endless struggle and compromise just to get through the day, there's a good chance you might not know what life is really like for most people.

The same thing holds for those unfortunate enough to achieve fame and fortune prior to physical and/or psychological maturity. 

{Are you trying to say that young rockstars, popstars, and "influencers"...}

Yes, especially influencers, not that there's a shortage of older influencers that... never mind, that's a whole other column. 

{You dodged a digression!}

Life being life, we're all subject to finding ourselves out and about one day, minding our own, when life jumps out from behind a rock and sinks its teeth into our bum. If you haven't been properly "processed/polished," and this also applies to the spoiled spawn of people of modest means, the bite could prove to be ultimately fatal rather than merely requiring yet another band-aid. 

Irregardless of whether you suffer the curse of being a member of the Lucky Sperm Club, suffer under the yoke of the equally awful curse of childhood fame and fortune, or are just another Joe or Joan Bagadonuts (whatever your preferred pronouns), you need to look yourself in the eye and acknowledge that you've got to share the playground with the other kids.

  

Even if you aspire to spend your life pursuing enlightenment in a cave/monastery/hut/etceterut, personal self-sufficiency is highly unlikely. Even if you can make a pizza that's as good as your favorite pizza parlors, you're not going to be able to round up all the ingredients without interacting with other people. 

{Pizza?}

Granted, I'm probably a member of a relatively small cohort of people who can't imagine why anyone would bother getting out of bed in a world without pizza, but the example still serves to illustrate how dependent we H. sapiens are on other H. sapiens. 

If you're (more or less) normal, you've been dealing with the leader/follower/sharing/etcetering thing since you were two years old. You've (hopefully) learned that, although if reality made any sense, your fellow humans would submit to your tyranny and do as they're told, life ain't like that unless you're a successful dicktater, like the Pooteen or Little Rocket man, for example.

If you didn't, there's a good chance you may be about to be locked up somewhere. That is to say, if you failed or dropped out of socialization school, or worse yet, no one even enrolled you, we boring Normies will be forced to deal with you, and vice versa, for the rest of your and our lives. 

Warning: many of your fellow H. sapiens don't suffer from suicidal levels of empathy. So, as my late wife, Ronbo, used to say, get a grip.  

Have an OK day, 

Colonel Cranky

Scroll down to comment, share my work, or scroll through previous columns. I post links to my columns on my Facebook page so you can love me, hate me, or call for my execution via social media. Cranky don't Tweet (Xclaim?).

Copyright 2025-Mark Mehlmauer-All rights reserved

 

   

 

  

Another Stupid Column

Image by Kanenori from Pixabay

Letters of eclectic commentary featuring the wit and wisdom of a garrulous geezer and {Dana}, a persistent hallucination and charming literary device.

  

                     ABOUT                                              GLOSSARY 

"True genius resides in the capacity for evaluation of uncertain, hazardous, and conflicting information." -Winston Churchill

Dear Gentlereaders,

Did you know that there's a "simple English" version of Wikipedia for "...people with different needs, such as students, children, adults with learning difficulties, and people who are trying to learn English."

I use it all the time because...

{You're a stupid simpleton?}

Depends on who you ask, I suppose. Being a natural-born overthinker and current events enthusiast (junkie), I employ various and sundry strategeries to keep from drowning in the Information Ocean. 

I use it all the time because often a simple, brief answer to a given question is all that I need. Standard Wikipedia articles can be lengthy and highly detailed. And yes, Dana, I'm aware, like most of my millions of gentlereaders no doubt, that Wikipedia entries often contain inaccuracies.

However, I find that the very idea of an encyclopedia that anyone can contribute to, but who are restrained by the fact that anyone else can call them out, and that's maintained primarily by volunteers, to be an interesting endeavor.

Also, there's the fact that you can find articles about stuff unlikely to be in a mainstream encyclopedia like the Encyclopedia Britannica, which still exists (online only), by the way. For example, Wikipedia has an entry about one of my favorite almost-famous, sorta/kinda rock stars, James Dewar. 

{Who? What's so special about him?}

Depends on who you ask, I suppose. But you just gave me an excuse to post the following:

I'm certain that hard-copy encyclopedias (yes, Virginia, they still exist), as well as the thousands of outdated volumes of the Encyclopedia Britannica that are still out there — which was considered the Encyclopedia when I was a kid — also contain errors.  

I'm a fan of the simple English version because I believe that whenever possible, you should keep it simple, stupid (KISS). Originally a design principle that dates to 1960, it's a notion that easily scales. An input addict's gotta do what an input addict's gotta do while treading water in the Information Ocean. 

Say, I wonder if simpleton is politically incorrect? And what about stupid, for that matter? Gimme a sec, I'll be right back.

[INSERT PAUSE HERE]

As Mr. Spock would say, fascinating. I find that occasionally adopting the viewpoint of a logic-loving alien from another planet can be a helpful navigation aid when sailing the Information Ocean. 

{You do realize that...}

Don't start, Dana. I know Mr. Spock is a fictional character. 

Simple English Wikipedia, which henceforth I'll be calling Wikipedia Jr., provides no specific information about simpletons. Stupid is not specifically discussed either, but there are links to multiple entries about this, that, or some other stupid thing; literally. Check it out if you don't believe me. 

Standard Wikipedia has a brief entry titled Simpleton about the history of the word, but nothing about political correctness. In fact, it includes jokes about simpletons! Standard Wikipedia has a detailed entry for stupidity that mentions nothing about political correctness either. 

Undeterred, the times being what they are, I turned to the Goog's version of artificial intelligence, Gemini, which now lives in my Chromebox. It moved in and made itself at home in the course of an update. Just follow the link if you don't know what a Chromebox is, if you're interested. 

    

According to Gemini, the word simpleton is definitely not considered to be politically correct. "It is an outdated, insulting term for a foolish or unintelligent person that is often associated with ableism."

{Abelism?}

According to Wikipedia Jr., "Ableism refers to the bias, prejudice or discrimination against disabled people." Wikipedia Sr. offers a similar definition, followed by a lengthy and highly detailed article. Ableism, it seems, is... 

{Calling standard Wikipedia Wikipedia Sr. sounds sexist to me.}

Ableism, it seems, is common all over the planet Earth.

 {Why don't you ask Mr. Spock?} 

In fact, you can now get a degree in Disability Studies at various and sundry colleges and universities. On a related note, you can also minor in Sanism, which is discrimination on the basis of mental disorders or cognitive impairments.

Which brings us back to simpleton and stupid. As a public service, here's a link to a Harvard Business Review article by Rakshitha Arni Ravishankar titled Why You Need to Stop Using These Words and Phrases, which decries using the word stupid early on.

What about simpleton?

I didn't get that far into the article. 

Yet another public service! I feel compelled to ensure that my millions of gentlereaders, or any innocent H. sapiens who have stumbled across this column, are aware of the latest news about hemorrhoids and smartphones.

A study conducted at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston, the results of which are published in PLOS One — which, according to Wikipedia, "...is a peer-reviewed open access mega journal published by the Public Library of Science (PLOS)..." — determined that smartphone users who use their phone while sitting on their porcelian thrones have a 46% better chance of developing hemorrhoids than those who don't. 

{Did they title the study Plop One by any chance? I think that...}

Given the replication crisis, which according to Wikipedia Sr., is "...the growing number of published scientific results that other researchers have been unable to reproduce." I should probably check to see if other studies have determined this is true. 

[INSERT PAUSE HERE]

Wikipedia Jr. has nothing to say about this subject. Wikipedia Sr., on the other hand, has an article titled Bathroom Reading that begins with the following, um, interesting sentence. "Bathroom reading is the act of reading text while in a bathroom, usually while sitting on the toilet and defecating." 

The article mentions all sorts of fun facts like "The psychoanalyst Otto Fenichel believed bathroom reading was an indication of early childhood trauma. He wrote that the activity is 'an attempt to preserve the equilibrium of the ego; part of one's bodily substance is being lost and so fresh matter must be absorbed through the eyes.'"

{That's a goof, you made that up!}

Nuh-uh! Follow the link. 

{Did you find any corroborating studies?} 

Despite at least five minutes of intensive research, I found no specific corroborating studies, but interestingly, the World Wide Web (of contradictory knowledge) provides no shortage of links to all sorts of articles about reading while resting.

The closest I came was an old The Guardian article with the wonderful title, Is reading on the loo bad for you? about a "study" that actually wasn't.   

{Reading while resting?}

Where do you think the term restroom comes from?

I've decided to let Gemini have the last word: 

"Reading on the toilet is a widespread, often harmless habit that can offer a quiet break and an opportunity to catch up on reading, although it may increase the risk of hemorrhoids if done for too long due to the posture. While there is a slight risk of germ transmission, it is generally minimal with good hygiene practices. You can find a variety of reading materials to suit your preference, and it's a common way to pass the time in the "smallest room". 

{Hold up there, Sparky. You have nothing to say about the Wikipedia scandal that everyone's talking about? Wikipedia's been accused of having been captured by the Wokies.}

They have? Heavy sigh, hang on a sec.

[INSERT PAUSE HERE]

I consulted Gemini again since I did promise, um, it — "I don't have pronouns. I am an AI and don't have a gender" — the last word.

Yada, yada, yada... Yada, yada, yada... "While critics point to evidence of left-leaning bias in political articles and recent content moderation decisions, supporters emphasize Wikipedia's robust policies and processes for addressing and mitigating bias."

Ain't it good to know we can count on AI and the internet when we're looking for definitive answers? 

Have an OK day, 

Colonel Cranky

Scroll down to comment, share my work, or scroll through previous columns. I post links to my columns on my Facebook page so you can love me, hate me, or call for my execution via social media. Cranky don't Tweet (Xclaim?).

Copyright 2025-Mark Mehlmauer-All rights reserved